I need tenure. And a machine gun. So, my fate is sealed now. SEALED. I was assigned a tenure liason today. probably illegal in GA, actually. I WANT IT. LIKE A FAT KID WANTS CAKE A faculty member told a story of a guy who wrote a great package like that 10 years ago. This senior guy said, "And I still use it to this day. It was that good." "But he didn't get tenure." And then everyone laughed. But me. I'd better hope for tenure before the economy collapses. Apparently I'm virile. Well, you know me. all about plans I AM DRUNK WITH POWER. DRUNK I SAY. I can feel evil universe charles chomping at the bit. the small part of me that would like to ascend to power just so I can crush my enemies I'll have to wear. PANTS. ARGH ... I'm old and cranky. GET OFF MY LAWN So it turns out I have some kind of horrible infection. I also like bacon. mmmm, bacon Once I give into *that*, I might as well be Associate Dean of Codfish or whatever. I mean I complain in the general sense because that's an art, and one has to continually hone it. But blame is something else. well, I'm often flip. at least 18% of the time. My brain is full of fried onion rings. metaphorically I still don't have any goals other than avoiding dying. We've agreed that I want chocolate. and bacon. I spend much of my time extremely pleased with my life circumstances. which others misinterpret as being extremely pleased with myself. I was unlucky to be born in a time when further and farther are switching meanings again. So, how do I deal with this paper that shouldn't have gotten in but did? I'm feeling virile so she may already be pregnant. I hate everyone. So my problem is that I don't have enough chutzpah perhaps I see myself as king of new zealand. In other news, I'm exhausted. apparently I'm not often on time. I'm being quoted for things I've stolen from other people The last thing I need is some parent deciding that I'm trying to sell porn to the kids. It should be one man one vote, and I should be that man. I AM ALL POWERFUL OR SOMETHING I blame society I need a raise. When I'm stressed I spend money. Which is not evolutionarily advantageous I am unique. like a snowflake. I'd move but it's too cold everywhere else. But, anyway, like I say, I don't particularly care. I think the strongest word to describe my feeling is bemused. Yes, I have the ability to spend just beyond my means. It's not just a skill, it's a super power I am full of lack of motivation. I'm about helping. I didn't submit anything to ICML. Because my students need to be flogged. I am often struck by how text destroys lives. They are like little terrorists. words, I mean. I'm teaching Game AI next term. Mainly out of spite. I shall grow in power one day and then rise up and destroy my enemies. I just got an email telling me I was upgraded to first class! I'm going to go into denial now. I am fat with happy food taste goodness. crab stuffed peppers. filet mignon with some kind of cheese bacon thing. I'm swooning from the memory You can walk me through this if you want, but I'm going to refuse the conclusion. Can I point out that I'm about six months behind? IN EVERYTHING Ask me about my NSF batting average. I believe it is actually negative. And I hate related work sections. More than anything in the world. Even more than the flu. I'm cooking in an iron skillet. LIKE A MAN I've gotten too much sleep. Maybe I'll move up in the [parent] rankings from distant second to close second. I just made grilled cheese and bacon for the family. In my new iron skillet. I'm a real cook again. I AM THE GREAT HUNTER I often confuse you with The Man. Sorry about that. I'm an absent-minded professor, dammit. I'm sure I don't know what you mean. I hate surprises I'm like that kid on Sixth Sense: I see... data structures. I find theory important and interesting and I don't like doing it. But I'm not an empiricist. I like doing analysis, but not theory. I couldn't talk. If I tried, after about 20 seconds I'd go into a coughing fit. Torture for me, as you might imagine. The problem is that I'm not at all sure why prostitution ought to be illegal. I am SOOOOOOO unmotivated in SOOOOO many ways I tend to think of myself as overworked and overpaid I've been known to be active in the past. I used to be a net.personality I hate everyone I "co-organized" a workshop yesterday. It took all I had not to gouge out my brain. I'm HORRIBLE at talks. You know this. Oh, wait. I'm not horrible at talks. and I bounce from subject to subject with no warning when I'm feeling that way. I was fascinated. In the way one is fascinated by entrails. I'm not REALLY rich. I'll never be a supreme court justice now. thanks to www.charlesisnekkid.com. I've never WANTED a candidate before. Sure there is [something I can do]. I can panic. You know, I've never been to a bar mitvah before? If Christmas break doesn't come soon, I will start killing those around me. I was told today that I show leadership and am passionate but can come off as pushy Anyway, I'm clearly punch drunk. I've got my finger on the pulse of today's youth. I have turned my hate into, well, more hate. I don't even hold office hours. I hate them. office hours I mean. Oh, and undergrads I'm pretty good at being me, yes. I'm all giddy. GIDDY I TELL YOU It's a heavy burden, being resonant. My fantasy involves someone folding and putting up my laundry. Oh, and of course and , but only on Tuesdays, naturally. ...I was at MIT for 8 years. I'm used to be attacked on an hourly basis. Yes. I'm insane. INSANE. I SHALL HOLD MY HATRED INSIDE LIKE A BALL OF, UM, HATRED. Man, I hope I obsess less as I get older. I heard my ancestors screaming. or something. but then I got over it. I believe chanukah is based upon [kwanzaa]. Always trying to one-up the Black man. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT. Truthfully I tend to taunt. I need more $$$$. I imagine W in the oval office whining that being president isn't fun anymore Apparently [Foley] may now be prosecuted under laws he helped to enact! Irony! We don't get to see enough of that sort of thing. Ebert is hilarious when he's pissed off. We do have a president who cares. About pork rinds. [Weird Al]'s amazing. First off, White & Nerdy is amazing. Second, it's awesome. Romney isn't even a person, he's just a shell around a desire. "Joe Lieberman, warmongering centrist" Clinton is a lot like Kerry actually. but shorter. and less of a war hero It would be interesting for Obama to win. It would have ramifications and stuff. Of course so would Rudy. For example, the end of the world. Somehow this is your fault. That would be funny. for sufficiently small values of funny. I suspect [Boston also has] racist snow we had a new park open about 2 miles from our house. It is HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE. welcome to Atlanta Because, you know, menacing pause. BTW, how do you get work done with me IMing you all the time? yes yes I am The College has created a new Associate Dean of Undergraduate Education position. Because, you know, we care. My mother claims we're having twins and she's always right. peace Aside from the fact that there are no Isbell-isms, I like the idea. I'm just sayin' You'd think. Yes. Yes it is. I SAID SIGH I comfort you Mmmm, self mockery. Find some way to rescue me from my cynical detachment. My students failed to heed my advice. So, I killed them. The papers, not the students. At least that's what I'm telling the police. He laughed at my wry and self-deprecrating humor. So we are violently agreeing. macking. as in the gerund of the act of being a mack daddy OMG. THE FOOD WAS DELICIOUS. DE. LICIOUS. It - it - it's enough that you're here (music goes very loud) (fade to black) (not a dry eye in the house) Are you kidding me? Please say you're kidding me. If you aren't, lie. So we declare Black Zone(tm) every once in a while and shut the down and listen to rap music. "He's Back AND THIS TIME HIS REWARD FUNCTION IS SET FOR: REVENGE" Dude. Remind me to be kind to small children. Because small children do not automatically deserve my wrath. Fair enuff Perhaps I should give up on AAMAS. On the other hand. Hawaii. Close your eyes and think of London. But not a London Broil. That would be bad. Kids are just little vectors. AND THEY ADD UP---TO DEATH! What's it like to be you? nod nod nod And by hilarious I mean it's been like major surgery without benefit of drugs You've been married 18 years? ... Your marriage can now vote. What if I didn't blame society? Would that change anything? This sentence no verb You can live with the guilt? THE MASSIVE CRUSHING GUILT? It's funny because it's true. I'm gasping in mock horror Strange'. clap clap. For, you know, stuff. Teach me to be less competent about these things. I'll bet if you put bits on bacon on bacon you could go back in time Why? BECAUSE EVERYTHING SHOULD TASTE LIKE BACON. I mean, reviewers are often wrong, but this guy was on another planet of wrong. BECAUSE HE WAS WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG Life is full of local mins. And for crying out loud, the Canadian $ is worth as much as the American $. it's the seventh sign The secret is to provide for their needs without bending to their will. Time. It heals all wounds, except the belly button. codfish are terrible brainstormers Mmmm. Fat is for lovers. Bacon is life See when Black kids in the inner city get together to talk about going mainstream, this is what they worry about: that it's all about making speeches to techno music and making bad parodies of Back to the Future. India is three [flights away]. and about 30 hours. Plus they bomb things there occassionally. Who cares about the Republicans? They're all nuts. And Iowa is 113% White. You can get 18% of the population to vote to kill all blondes. One can plan plans but not plan outcomes The meek shall inherit the earth. They are too weak to refuse. Eating is complicated. UAI needs good papers. Like Mars needs women. kids are awesome. one's own kids are awesome. others not always so much Math is for the weak, you know that. It's all about the true. If the democrats win, in fact, the republicans will blame the coming depression on them and it will work because we're stupid and have the memory of a goldfish with head trauma Hypocrisy is a religion in many ways You can fail no one but yourself. Quietly being beaten on isn't quite the same thing as poise. Also all Black heroes must have something that suggests that they're Black. It's in the rules. Few things are more dangerous than a gaggle of young girls. Let's face it: no one cares about undergraduate education Well, [dressing up in a French maid outfit and cleaning] makes it less likely one will notice when you miss a spot, that's for sure. I'm sure there's a word in german. "the pleasure one gets from delivering something on a powerpoint slide with proper pauses and emphasis to a large audience" When excited many folks use lots of exclaimation marks