Here's what happened: I talked to various people around school about what it would be like if a few of our programs were shared with CBHS (the expeditionary learning high school housed in our building). I had a vision of what that would be like--a great experience for students, for sure. More possibilities for collaboration for teachers. The thing I couldn't figure out was whether it was a vision that I could really throw myself into. I wasn't feeling anything about anything. That's bad for me, that feeling of ambivalence. Not something I want to be feeling about anything involving teaching kids.
What is clear: I was meant to be a teacher. No question. But...of who? And teaching what, exactly? I love my school, I love the staff, the students drive me crazy but I love them too. Teaching kids to sit in front of a computer all day? Even if they're learning cool stuff, it doesn't move me. Not the way teaching violin or tango does. Plus: my brain is healthier the more I dance and play violin. I'm using them to rewire myself. Can't do that with the computer. So: everything about the schoolteaching is fine, except the subject? Hmmmm.
Then I started thinking about administrative styles, about the jobs school administrators do, and then about management in general. What would our school look like if we tapped more of the resources of all of our staff? And then, how do you know what your staff is good at? In an educational system like ours, how can you create the freedom to let your staff be their best selves?
Then I was in a meeting at a local company. They mentioned that they use the Strengths Finder to help them figure out how to arrange teams of people and projects. I took the Strengths Finder test last year (all of TML did, actually). I went back and read over my results. Yup. Very accurate. I saw again why teaching is a good fit: Learner, Relator, Responsibility, Deliberative, Achiever. Learning is the thing that's the most important for me (says the test, and so far I agree). And I learn best by teaching. Great so far. The question is: do I want to learn what I'll be required to teach at school? Not so much. It's fine, but it doesn't make me brim with happiness. And brimming with happiness is what I would like to be doing these days. All day.
Then I thought, well, how do I get myself out of this rut of ambivalence/numbness and figure out what I should really be doing? Get online and make a library book list, of course (um, do you think I could be a "Learner"??). I went downtown and selected 3 from my list of 10. I've finished one. I haven't done the exercises yet, but I've used two things the author mentioned to improve tango and violin students.
Of course the usual thing has happened: before I even stirred things up today in our afternoon cluster meeting, somehow people could sense that I'm questioning. This morning at the end of a conversation with another teacher I wondered aloud, what if I'm not the only one who's walking around, teaching, feeling "kind of OK." What would our cluster be like if everyone were totally jazzed? This has struck a chord with a few people. Maybe there are more discussions to come. I hope so.