Last night I got home late after spending most of the day playing a wedding down in Kennebunkport and thought "at least I don't have anything to do tomorrow...oh CRAP" as I remembered that I had agreed to sing at the New Song Service at First Lutheran. I haven't been to church in more than a year now, but the choir director was desperate for someone to carry the sopranos and I said OK.
It's been a big relief not to be in church, actually. When I'm in church I'm constantly worrying that I'm accidentally going to take the name of the lord (oops, Lord) in vain or say something about karma, etc. When I was in choir and went to the choir parties, there were always a lot of jokes about "heathens". Yessah. Adding to that my general distraction/fascination with when to stand up, sit down, say certain things...church ends up being a place where I feel the least spiritual of all. Too many distractions. And I'm sure that dancing tango counts as a sin, especially to Lutherans.
So this morning I got up, showered, accidentally ate only half of my breakfast, and put myself into something suitably ultra-conservative. Then, off for a brisk walk to church armed with the music (which I hadn't had a chance to look at) and my Nissan thermos. I was thinking, "this doesn't really feel like me."
But then I got there and caught up with all of the New Song folks and crammed the songs into my brain and warmed up the ol' vocal chords, and survived the very cute and bumbly and effusive greeting from the pastor, and really had a nice time. The new-age Christian pop used to bother me, but I decided that I prefer the New Song service because at least it's mostly singing and only a little talking. There's nothing like a large amount of oxygen going to my brain to make me think that I like church! Woo!
The pastor was all over the place with the sermon today, so as I was kind of idly listening to it I was thinking that when I'd been to church in the past, I was always trying to translate what was being said about Jesus into something that I could relate to, and that was a bunch of brain exercise. Today I felt more like all (or most) of the people in the church have a different set of words to describe things that I call "magic" or "connection" or other things I never even put words to, but that it was OK, because when I sing or play the violin in church, it's a language that everyone can understand. Maybe I'll come back once a month and do the New Song service. And not worry so much that I'm one of those heathens.