This week I've been agonizing about an audition I have coming up. I have to send a recording by April 20th. (Actually, I have a little leeway I think, because I'm auditioning for next year, not this year, but I'm trying to hold myself to this date). For the audition, I have a piece to prepare, and then I have to choose one other piece that shows my technical and interpretive skills. OK. So, the piece they gave me is...wow. Challenging. The guy who wrote it either really loves violinists, or he really hates them, and I can't figure out which. Howevah, I'll be able to play it by April.
This is very cool. I think I've crossed the line into new violin territory, because I can now easily play stuff that was difficult for me pre-MS. I have to be really focused and pay attention to my technique (I assume that after a while I won't have to think about it) in order to do it, but it's possible and actually pretty comfortable. For example, I can play a pianissimo triplet way up on the E string half an inch from the end of the fingerboard that leads immediately into a double-stop, (still with my hand up near my nose), with fingers practically crossing, and I'm able to vibrate on the double stop without really thinking about it.
Now I'm knocking firmly on my table.
The thing I've been agonizing over is: what to play for the other piece? Tonight I was going through a bunch of stuff, crossing things off, when I realized that I was saying "no" to pieces not because I didn't like them or because they wouldn't show my technique/interpretation, but because they were reminding me of things that had happened in my life when I had learned them. "No, not that one, because I remember when X played it in a recital and he was so pompous." "No, after I played that one X chewed me out in front of 4 Symphony players for something that was his son's fault." "No, I played that in competition one year and after I played, one of the judges walked up to me and told me how much he hated that piece."
Oh. So, if I resurrect one of these pieces I'm going to have to relive my adolescent angst and basically work through all of those issues at the same time I'm trying to train my body to play the piece? Yikes. No. Not if I have to record it in April. So I picked one of the only pieces that I've always loved and have wonderful associations with: the Barber Violin Concerto. I am crazy to try it. I know. But at least I'll be happy in my craziness. :-) I'm also happy knowing that I was being super sensitive about those pieces. At least when I have to go learn one of them I'll know that I need to be prepared for some emotional turmoil.
Actually, that's the second time in 2 weeks that I've noticed that I'm being super sensitive. The first one was last week with Dom. Lying down one night in Buenos Aires (doesn't that sound exotic? Oh right, that's because it is exotic...), I felt suddenly anxious, with a huge knot in my stomach. I couldn't figure out what it was...was it a sign that things with Dom were not good? Was I overtired? Had I eaten something weird? Then all of a sudden I turned to Dom and said, "you're anxious, aren't you? And you've been anxious since sometime during the concert?" "Yes," he said, "how did you know?" "Because I'm anxious for no reason." Yes, he was anxious, and I was the one in a panic with my stomach in knots. It is so warped. But once I realized that I was feeling his anxiety, then I could free it. I need more practice at this.