I am not allowed to talk to D. anymore. Yesterday's marathon of gut-wrenching sobbing and a good dose of self-directed anger/guilt left me weary and sad.
As I later told M., luckily for him, he's in Montana and thus somewhat protected from my bleak mood. Today we discussed the difference between love and dependency, of loving someone but not feeling "in love", of loving someone but not feeling like you're really yourself when you're with that person. I expect I'll be thinking about this a lot.
I resolve to keep my messy feelings on the outside and not squirrel them away.