Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Conflict of Interest
Pros of new job: love teaching. Like the students. Like the schedule. Like the staff.
Con of new job: sitting down all day. Showing kids how to model the world on the computer so that people can spend more time sitting at their computers pretending that they're out doing things in the world, instead of actually doing real things in the world. Yikes.
Major con at the moment: naturopath agrees that my adrenals seem to be shot, probably due to constant stress and several panic attacks each week last semester. Double yikes.
It Took Eight and a Half Years
This year was the first year that I had virtually no time to practice for Nutcracker. And no time on the violin either. I've been spending every moment on my new teaching job, on my violin students, on the band, on the new living situation, on getting myself fed and trying to get sleep and...it's been hard to pick up the violin. I hate this.
But Nutcracker worked. This was the first year that I wasn't constantly stressing about whether I was in tune, whether I would be able to play that run, whether I would hit the shift, etc. It was fun. And that means...it's time to start getting my "real" violin skills back. With any luck, I'll make it through the school year and be out in May this year instead of June, and actually get some personal violin growth done this summer.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Valerie Green, M.S.
I arrived in my office after today's class to find a box of new business cards. I guess it is the standard procedure to put the degree after the professor's name. So there it was: "Valerie Green, M.S." Kind of weird. Thank goodness I don't have to put it on the nameplate outside my office door. Having to look at that several times a day would be just too strange.
Just Do It
Here's a recipe for stress: start a new teaching job a few weeks before the semester starts, with 5 new classes to teach (4 different curricula), each with a 3-hour lecture, and not in a field of computer technology in which I have much (or in the case of 3 out of 4) any experience. Yessah. That is my life right now.
It can't go on like this forever, because my adrenals will be shot. If next year looks like it will be a repeat of this one, I'll have to quit. Thank goodness for having a fantastic naturopath who is making my body stronger even now. But for a while, the only way I can get through each week with far too many things to do is to make lists of things to do and then just do them, without thought, without emotion, without debating about what is the best way. Just doing them and dispassionately checking them off the list.
It's making me a little emotionless right now, which I generally dislike, but for now it's the only way. But I decided that while I'm being incredibly, coldly productive, I would sneak a few emotionally charged things into my "to do" list so I could dispatch them. Things like "tell X that I was really hurt when he did Y." It does actually work. Things roll off me right now.
I do worry that as they roll off, they're collecting in a big pool somewhere that will drown me when I turn the emotion back on. I also worry that not doing things in absolutely the best way will bite me later. Hmmm. Also, it's been difficult to switch back into emotional sensitivity when I want to, such as when I'm hanging out with friends, family, or A. I haven't figured that out yet.
